today in the morning, first I had 4 plums.
then I had coffee soy milk and cig.
then I went to the clinic to get a treatment. let's say after it, I needed compensation. and in the morning also when I had the coffee I wanted a pastry.
and I was in tel aviv where all the cafes, the the holiday (vacation atmosphere)
so, I went to this apparently fancy bakery
and chose not a small pastry but big since there was so many fancy pastries
and coffee and oatmeal milk and cig.
ohhhh and I took 2 small pastries as well, potato and mushroom
the pastry was too sweet and all the pastries were oily, high in fat and butter
it felt such a fall to the temptation, and lately I have big expenses and all these falls make my credit card bill higher and higher.
in addition I had another fall yesterday before the theatre show
I had a short time and ate a second falafel for yesterday
I asked it to be a little little spicy but they didn't had mercy for me.
what should I do?
today I have work then I need to take the cat somehow to the vet and then I have another work
then I said I might travel to another city for a lesson but that sounds and feels to me too much
I should probably cancel this plan and apologize.
What should I do?
I should relax
it doesn't make sense that I'm stressed
maybe the coffee does that
I want to write a book during this summer
what should I do?
I should read more, not afraid of being alone,
my friend gave me an opportunity to have an access to an online books library
so, I can read about
vegan bodybuilding
bhagavad gita books like from craving/desire to love, the way home
(prose books - zinger/ holocaust), that's it.
I think I should return walking.
Another fall seriously, big one, I wasn't hungry
I had to pay a lot for something I didn't plan to.
to compensate again I had falafel , fries, coke and cig.
I need to turn here / to G-d of course when in the beginning of each fall and make it a growth.
I need a plan for the next beginning of a fall. tonight there's going to be a beginning because I will probably want a cig. and tomorrow morning before work I would like a cig and coffee. and tomorrow noon I would like to eat lunch and tomorrow night again, I'm going to think about a cig at least.
so, I have on average, or at least 3 opportunities a day to growth and I want to use them for growing.
I should have a plan. I might fail but at least I should have a plan.
I was thinking (again) about a before fall kit.
a kit I should take like I'm taking my wallet, phone, keys.
I have a notebook.
next. I'm going to have a thought that I might fall and do what it says.
maybe I need a letter
maybe I need to write then / to admit, that I have a thought/ a desire/ a craving
I had another big fall.
I had to pay a big amount of money, unplanned.
I compensated myself with falafel, fries, coke and cig.
ok. let's get to the kit preparation.
I wrote in the notebook the first step: admit you are in the mood/ in the situation when you feel like using food.
(in general I should attend OA meetings)
then what?
maybe I just write in two voices and try to convince myself not to fall, to use substitutes.
I can just write the good voice and the other one not or it's important to put the other voice into written words as well.
let's practice, thinking of the last fall
- I just paid 1385 nis and I expend too much money, my money disappears.
it's 14:45. if I'm going to the gym for a hour workout, I have left 15 minutes to return home to the zoom lesson. this is too stressful. the 13 nis falafel is just right here, so I suggest eating a falafel + fries + coke + cig.
- roee. this is a chance to grow.
you are not hungry and this is my major point.
go home. you can eat when you're hungry.
besides, you should withdrawal cash
you have food at home
you can cook at home
you should drink water
you have plums. eat them. you might have other food at home. you should see what you have and make a shopping list.
you should get used to forgetting about exciting taste.
you are fat, you are overweight
you're addicted to food,
you just want to use food to numb yourself but this addiction makes your life worse.
ok. that's an idea.
anther idea
in case i'm falling anyway,
I can write the things I could say to myself to avoid it after the fall. I think it will still help in the future.
thank you.
and since I write here through my phone and my laptop, each time I finish, I should update and get out of the post, that I can continue from same point from another device.
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